US Airways

I don't fly a lot, maybe once a quarter or so, and when I do it's generally on a Delta jet. It's what folks in ATL do. Anyhow, recently I had the pleasure of making US Airways my choice for flying. I can tell you it will be the last time!

So, there I am, at the gate, and it's utter chaos. Folks queuing up in line all the way down to the next concourse. The flight is overbooked, they say, and extravagant offers are made for giving up seats. Folks are being paged, uniformed employees are cross checking paper lists and the buzz in the area was quite frenetic.

To make the boarding process easier, they print a zone on each boarding pass. You board by that zone - this way they can control the process better. Probably would work better if they put less than 90% of all passengers in Zone 4.

So it is that I begin to board with my Zone 4 peeps when I'm confronted with the Bag Nazi. FAA regulations demand that only two bags can be carried on board. So the poor lady in front of me had to consolidate her purse into a carry on bag. Once she had that cumbersome package together she was allowed to go down the jetway, where she met Bag Nazi #2. This Nazi's job was to inform people that their bags were too large to fit in the overhead bin. So all the folks who jammed their purses, cameras, laptops et cetera into a carry on bag were now confronted with having to CHECK them.

You can imagine the chaos, can't you?

My backpack escaped attention but it turned out that the overhead bins on the Airbus jet were tiny. And because I was at the end of the herd, there was no space left. I jammed my pack under the seat and gave it a good kick to make sure it escaped notice as it didn't quite fit entirely under. I need not have worried as George Clinton had bigger problems.

Well, okay, he wasn't the real George but he plays him on a tribute band, somewhere, I'm sure. So, the P-Funk wannabe has his two bags and they are big. And they of course don't fit overhead. He looks around, furtively, and sees he has no options. The flight staff, having dealt with this issue many times before, go about professionally ignoring him. The line comes to a stop as the befuddled, bedregged one is clearly lost...

Finally one flight attendent decides to take matters into her own hands and solve the situation by getting on the intercom and telling the man holding up the line to store his bags in the overhead bin or under the seat in front of him and clear the aisle so they can continue boarding, thank you! George places one bag under the seat and sits with a huff, placing his other bag on his lap, wedged between his gut and the seat in front of him. He mutters. And I'm pretty sure the word he is using is not 'funk'.

Well, I knew right away that they would not let him keep that bag on his lap which is why I was not surprised that a cute little blonde attendant soon came by, placed her hand on the his shoulder and said in a sing song voice, while not really looking at him, to place his bag under the seat so we can take off. And she walks away. Definitely not 'funk' this time.

Sensing the man was clearly a trouble maker, they finally send in the big gun - a male flight attendant from First Class. Followed by Cute Blonde, they descend upon the recalictrant Funkmeister and explain that the bag must be stored. George finally gets an audience as he explains that there is no room above or below. In a snit, the First Class dude takes his bag and tells George that they just store it up front for him.

We all collectively shake our heads.

Crime in America

That's right, I'm going to tackle some hard truths here. A number of you are not going to like it. But, as you will soon see, the numbers back this up - it's undeniable and indisputable. Like it or lump it folks, this is the Truth and it's time to deal with it.

I think it's time we start profiling. I mean, serious, hard core profiling. There's a segment of our population that is responsible for upwards of 90% of ALL CRIME. And I'm not talking about drug dealers, prostitution and what not. I'm talking about everything - terrorism, white collar crimes, jaywalking, you name it. And it seems to me that if you know this segment is responsible, in the main, for all of your nation's woes it's high time we stop being so damned PC and DO something about it.

Think about it for a minute, 90% of all crime is committed by these folks. Think about how much safer our streets would be if we could contain them somehow. Think about how burdened our judicial system is prosecuting these criminals, how much money we spend incarcerating them or attempting to 'rehabilitate' them. It's a waste of money, that's what it is.

The only real answer, I think, is to put 'em all on a boat and ship them back to wherever they came from. I'm tired of dealing with their shit and tired of hearing about it on the news. NINETY PERCENT, people. Can you even imagine?! To hell with them. And I don't give a damn what you think about it - NOW is the time to start dealing with these right-handed people and make this country safe again.

Nigeria

I got this email today. Yes, I know, it's spam but read it! I get these things daily and they are nothing new. The twist to this one is interesting though - normally these emails pander to your gullibility: maybe I AM the distant relative of the deceased Mayor of a small town in Botswana. It could happen, right?

This email though makes no bones about it. Sorry, dude, you are not the 'next of-kin' but if you split the money with me I'll lie to the bank and say you are! Genius. I hope this fisher takes a whole lotta people with this one - serves 'em right.

Dear Beneficiary,

I am writing from a private mailbox, it is safe and not for official use. It was reported that you also applied to claim $20M as the Next of-Kin of late Alan Bowen. Late Alan Bowen died ten years ago in a helicopter crash and till date, many applicants have severally been attempting to claim his $20M fixed-capital investment from the bank. Due to the drastic inheritance saga observed through the internet, insurance agencies have cautioned banks to verify any beneficiary before approving inheritance payment.

As a legal partner to the bank, I was consulted to verify the applicants that have shown interest and identify the rightful Next of-Kin. From my verification, it was observed that the bonafide Next of-Kin died in the same crash with late Alan Bowen and does not exist anymore. With this observation, I have confirmed that you are not the Next of-Kin including other applicants that have shown interest to inherit this fund. I must admit my interest in this $20M therefore, I feel it is not wise to report my observations to the bank because this fund will be confiscated.

Amongst all the applicants, I find you more approachable and I have decided to negotiate with you before I report my observations to the bank. Let me validate this claim in your name on the condition that you will split this $20M 50%-50% with me. If we have a deal, I will issue you the validation Pin-code as the rightful Next of-Kin and also render my esteem support to the end. Please, get back to me for further details if my condition is agreeable.

Thanks for your understanding and I hope to read from you at your earliest convenient.

Sincerely,

Jubrill Lawal.

Accredited Legal Consultant.